Saturday, December 8, 2012

"Outrageously, guiltily pleasurable. A musical popsicle."

Reviewed Item: "For Your Entertainment" CD Album by Adam Lambert

Date Reviewed: November 23, 2009

By Holly (From Amazon)

Let me begin by saying that I have never in all [nearly] 30 years of my musical fandom bought an album by anyone remotely associated with the corporate machine called American Idol.

But then... there is Adam Lambert. This man's mere existence invalidates everything. He's like the glittery lovechild of Velvet Goldmine and Edward Scissorhands, ridiculous, offensive, and intelligent all at once, and he has somehow landed in the hands of mainstream America. Oh, and he can sing his face off, as evidenced by this record.

Seeing as other music snobs have likely been blindsided in a simlilar way, I have decided to write not a traditional review, but a reassurance of sorts. A manual of how to handle an album you thought you'd never find yourself buying. Sort of like an unsuspecting Adam-addict's AA meeting.

-Expect to get 'Music Again' and/or 'Sure Fire Winners' stuck in your head for entire work-shifts at a time. Don't fight it - just run with it. When someone asks why you're grinning, shrug and continue humming.

-It's completely normal to get very turned on during the title track and have to take a cold shower afterwards.

-You're not flaming, flaky, or shallow for digging 'If I Had You'. It's shameless Euro-dance-pop, sure, but the vocals are all real, and the bridge screams of surrender. Just give in.

-'Aftermath' is cheesier than a block of packaged Velveeta, but as long as you relate the lyrical sentiment to something powerful in your own life, you'll feel less retarded for screaming along. 'Sleepwalker' is similar - an excuse to show off Adam's `sad voice'. And his sad voice is, well, effectively sad. Don't listen to this if you've been drinking or you might drive your car into a ditch.

-Speaking of driving, never, ever, under any circumstances, play the fist-pumping anthem 'Fever' in your car, unless you are sober and fully parked. Otherwise you run the risk of completely ignoring the road and ramming into some poor unsuspecting pedestrian who will only wonder why you won't stop headbanging long enough to get out of the car and survey the scene.

-'Broken Open' carves out the kind of emotional hole that should be reserved for indie film tragedies. Remember how it's always nearly impossible to take a song seriously once a modulation happens? Forget that rule. The key change here only makes you hurt harder. Another one to avoid while drunk - late-night listenings could lead to unintelligible journal entries best left to the imagination.

-The fuzzy atmosphere of 'Pick U Up' could fill a smiley-faced balloon and float it away. Feeling down? Put this on. Adam's gleeful laugh at the end melts frost like a hot bath. And while you're taking a bath... have a foolproof formula for relaxation: a glass of wine plus `A Loaded Smile'.

-One should never be above histrionics and random emo moments, as evidenced by the hysterical opening chords and subsequent calm of 'Soaked', as well as the Radiohead-like breakdown shoved into the middle of the anthemic 'Strut'.

-You know it's a good album when the likes of 'Whataya Want From Me' sound like filler. Don't worry about it - one 'meh' out of thirteen 'woo's ain't bad.

-And finally-- yes, 'Time for Miracles' at the end actually works. After this emotionally taxing funhouse of a record, the whole `ain't giving up' theme feels really good, like a cold cheap beer after a long day.

FYE may not be the best album I've ever bought - but it's certainly the most satisfying.

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